your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize