Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
