I could make wine with my vomit
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
