Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
