Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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