not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
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I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
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did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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