remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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