mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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