It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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