i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
