if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
