Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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