Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
