I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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