We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Will you blow on my dice?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
