2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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