You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
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she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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