he looks like a really good dad on facebook
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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