Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize