I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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