I met the friendliest cop last night
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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