Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
