Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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