I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I want a musical about memes.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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