i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
so much tequila, so little girl.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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