i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
