In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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