It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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