I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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