I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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