Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
