my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
