saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
