dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
