remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
this just has baby written all over it
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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