Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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