As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
