I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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