nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Let's paint friendship bongs
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
