fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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