Just fell off a train. Bad.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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