Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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