dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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