You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
