Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
nutella sex= disaster
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
