Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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