I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
