i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends