Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
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WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
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So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat