Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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