Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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