Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
