you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Everclear isn't food dammit
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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