i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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