A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
