dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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