i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
